Title: The Hum
Series: Chronicle
Writer: P E Leody
SYNOPIS: EXPLORERS FROM EARTH BRING BACK AN ALIEN (THAT JUST HUMS ANNOYINGLY) TO EDUCATE THEM IN EARTH MUSIC. THE ALIENS MULTIPLY LIKE SPORES WHEN EXPOSED TO MUSIC AND SO EARTH IS FORCED TO SHUT UP OR LEAVE ITS OWN PLANET. THERE'S A SUB-PLOT ABOUT NUCLEAR POWER THAT IS MCGUFFIN
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Caption: A SIMPLE BLUE GREEN PLANET, MOSTLY SALINE. IT HAS IT'S FAIR SHARE OF GOOD THINGS THAT ARE BALANCED OUT BY IT'S UNFAIR SHARE OF BAD THINGS
Caption: LIKE ANY ERRANT TEENAGER IT'S POPULATION WANTS TO LEAVE HOME TO SEE WHAT'S OUT THERE
ETHEL: JOE, ITS YOUR TURN TO LAND THE MODULE
JOE: NO IT'S YOURS I'VE JUST DESICCATED THE FAECES
ETHEL: THAT DOESN'T COUNT THAT'S DOMESTIC, THIS IS ENGINEERING
JOE: I'VE REALIGNED THE SOLAR PANELS
ETHEL: YOU MEAN YOU PRESSED THE BUTTON THAT SAYS 'REALIGN SOLAR PANELS'
JOE: ETHEL DEAR, I SUPERVISED
ETHEL: SO I'LL SUPERVISE THE LANDING
JOE: WHOSE BRIGHT IDEAS WAS IT TO USE MARRIED COUPLES AS ASTRONAUTS
JOE: WHAT IS THAT HORRIBLE NOISE IN MY EARS IT JUST WON'T STOP
ETHEL: DIDN'T SAY A WORD DEAR
ALIEN: GREETINGS
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JOE: HIA I'M JOE THIS IS MY DOMESTIC AND ENGINEERING PARTNER ETHEL
ALIEN: I FIND THAT HARD TO PRONOUNCE I'LL CALL YOU HUMAN FOR SHORT, YOU CAN CALL ME THE ALIEN
JOE: OH THANK GOODNESS THAT NOISE HAS STOPPED
ALIEN: NOISE, WE CALL THAT MUSIC
JOE: WELL STRAP YOURSELF IN WE'RE TAKING YOU TO EARTH WHERE THEY HAVE ROCK AND ROLL
ALIEN: ERHH
JOE: SORRY ABOUT THE PARADE, BUT THE LOCAL COUNCIL HAS BANNED TICKER TAPE AS IT CAN'T RECYCLE IT, AND PHYSICS IN SCHOOLS NOW CONSISTS OF HEALTHY EATING.
ETHEL: AND WE'VE JUST ABOUT TO WIN THE ASHES SO EVERYONE'S INSIDE WATCHING TV
JOE: THIS IS OUR FINEST ACHIEVEMENT AT HARNESSING THE POWER OF THE GALAXY NUCLEAR FUSION.
Sfx: KERWOOGA, KERWOOGA
JOE: THE ALIEN'S BREACHED THE CONTROL ROOM HE COULD SET OFF A CHAIN REACTION TO DESTROY THE PLANET
ALIEN: NASTY STUFF I'VE CHANGED IT INTO A MUCH MORE USEFUL METAL FOR YOU
JOE: GOLD, ERHH THAT'LL DO NICELY
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PRESIDENT: FELLOW HUMANS, AS PRESIDENT OF EARTH, I WELCOME THE ALIEN VISITOR, WHOSE FIRST STEP TO INTERSTELLAR UNDERSTANDING HAS BEEN TO SAFELY DECOMMISSION OUR PLANETS NUCLEAR PROGRAMME AND WASTE
ETHEL: YOU CAN STAY WITH US, SORT OF SEE HOW THE OTHER HALF LIVE
ETHEL: WELL THIS IS OUR DAUGHTER GAIL, THE PRODUCT OF OUR BIOLOGICAL UNION, AND AN EXPENSIVE PRIVATE EDUCATION. HELLO DEAR. THEY TAKE A LOT OF HEARTACHE AND PATIENCE TO BRING TO MATURITY, IF EVER
GAIL: DAD SAYS HE WANTS ME TO TEACH YOU ABOUT MUSIC TO STOP YOUR INCESSANT HUM. IF IT ANNOYS HIM I SAY KEEP ON DOING IT
GAIL: BETTER START WITH THE BOTTOM OF THE PILE, THE WORST OF THE WORST THIS IS PROG ROCK
GAIL: NEVER SEEN IT AFFECT ANYONE THAT MUCH THAT THEY JUST SELF COMBUST
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TV: AND NOW TO CELEBRATE THE DISCOVERY THAT WE ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS UNIVERSE, TO REPLACE THE 'MAN THAT FELL TO EARTH', WE PROUDLY BRING YOU ALIEN AID
TV: 24 HOURS OF THE BEST MUSIC THIS PLANET HAS TO OFFER BEING BROADCAST TO ALL THOSE PLANETS WHO HAVE NO MUSIC OF THEIR OWN, LIKE OUR SPECIAL GUEST THE ALIEN.
CHAUFFEUR: CAR TO PICK UP THE PARTY FOR THE ALIEN AID CONCERT
ETHEL: UHM THERE'S A SLIGHT TECHNICAL HITCH
CHAUFFEUR: ITS OK MA'AM THE CAR HAS BEEN SPECIALLY SELECTED FOR THE PARTY
JOE: OKEY DOKEY, LETS GET THIS SHOW...
JOE: ... ON THE ROAD TO THE SHOW
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TV: HERE WE SEE OUR SPECIAL GUEST ARRIVING, LOOKS LIKE IT'S BROUGHT THE FAMILY. THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME TO ME
TANNOY: WELCOME STRANGERS FROM ANOTHER PLANET, WELCOME TO OUR HOLE. WE'VE STRAPPED ON OUR GUITARS SO HERE'S SOME ROCK AND ROLL
TANNOY: AND FIRST UP, REVIVED FROM CRYOGENIC SUSPENSION, PROVING THAT 12 BAR BLUES IS THE UNIVERSAL KEYSTONE OF A GOOD TIME IS ST...
Sfx: A AT THE 5TH FRET
Sfx: KERBOOM
TANNOY: SO THAT'S HOW THEY MAINTAIN THEIR POPULARITY, PARTHENOGENESIS
TRIANGLE: AS REQUESTED WE HAVE TRANSMUTED ALL RADIOACTIVE SUBSTANCES CONTAINED ON THE PLANET.
TRIANGLE: THEIR MUSIC WILL STOP UNLESS THEY WISH TO DRIVEN OFF BY THE INCESSANT HUM OF THE FACILITATORS WHOSE NUMBERS IT INCREASES
TRIANGLE: THE HUM IS OUTSIDE OF YOUR HEARING RANGE. REMEMBER ALL CUSTOMERS ARE COVERED BY OUR MONEY BACK GUARANTEE OF SATISFACTION.
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