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| chronicle | Nanny State Wars | 1/5 | on 60828 | at punding.com |

Title: Nanny State Wars

Series: Chronicle

Writer: P E Leody

SYNOPIS: HOW THE NANNY STATE WAS IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR WAY IN A TIME ,LONG AGO

PAGE 1

A large trapezium tracked vehicle in the desert

Caption: EVERYONE WHO USES A VEHICLE ON THE ROAD IS REQUIRED TO KEEP IT IN A ROAD WORTHY CONDITION. THE MOT TEST CHECKS EACH YEAR THAT THEY COMPLY WITH KEY ROAD WORTHINESS AND ENVIRONMENTAL REQUIREMENTS

A sign on the vehicle. Duke Bottom Feeder dressed in a monks habit reads the sign

DUKE BOTTOM FEEDER: CLOSING DOWN SALE, EVERYTHING INCLUDING VEHICLE FOR SALE, ONE CARELESS OWNER

Outside the vehicle are an number of objects that look liked up turned bins and pelican crossing beacons. A salesman hovers

DUKE BOTTOM FEEDER: WHAT WAS IT UNCLE SAID, OH YES WE NEED ANOTHER BIN ONE WITHOUT BOTCHELISM

SALESMAN: IF ANYONE ASKS, IT'S A MORE OF A CAR BOOT SALE RATHER THAN A COMMERCIAL ENTERPRISE REQUIRING A LICENSE, VAT REGISTRATION AND TAX RECEIPTS

Duke talks to the salesman

Caption: TRADE IS AN INTERNATIONAL LANGUAGE

DUKE BOTTOM FEEDER: WE'LL TAKE ONE OF EACH

SALESMAN: ACTUALLY I CAN'T SELL THEM TO YOU AS THEY ARE ELECTRICAL ITEMS AND NEED TO BE TESTED BY A CERTIFIED ELF. HOWEVER YOU COULD TAKE SOME AND LEAVE A DONATION FOR OUR BEACH RECLAMATION CHARITY

Duke and Olde drive with their purchases in a hover car across the desert

OLDE BEARDED ONE: ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO RUN AWAY FROM YOUR UNCLE AND JOIN THE CIRCUS, RATHER THAN PAY TAXES, THEY ARE BANNED FROM PERFORMING ANYTHING INTERESTING ALMOST EVERYWHERE

DUKE BOTTOM FEEDER: YES EVERY SINCE I SAW AN ELEPHANT IN AN OVERCOAT IN THE QUARRY

PAGE 2

The hover car pulls into Moseley a rough town. A red C for congestion charge is projected on the ground in front of them they head for a bar

OLDE BEARDED ONE: YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO WATCH YOUR STEP IN MOSELEY

DUKE BOTTOM FEEDER: I HEARD IT'S PRETTY ROUGH

OLDE BEARDED ONE: NO THE LEGAL AGE FOR DRINKING IS 21 AND YOU ARE ONLY 17

The hover car is parked and the pair, the bin and the beacon they bought follow them in

OLDE BEARDED ONE: THE CAR'LL BE SAFE THERE

DUKE BOTTOM FEEDER: HAVE THE ASBOS CURTAILED LOUTISH BEHAVIOUR?

OLDE BEARDED ONE: NO THERE'S NO WHEELS TO NICK

A large bouncer turns the party away at the door of the bar

BOUNCER: SORRY WE DON'T ACCEPT THEIR KIND IN HERE

DUKE BOTTOM FEEDER: THAT'S A HATE CRIME

BOUNCER: NO IT'S BIN DAY TOMORROW AND THAT BEACON HAS THE OLD COLOUR STRIPES ON IT

Olde and Duke walk into the bar the hoods from their monk's outfits down

DUKE BOTTOM FEEDER: SO WE'RE IN BUT WHY DID WE HAVE TO PUT OUR HOODS DOWN, SO CCTV CAN FOLLOW US?

OLDE BEARDED ONE: NO IT'S A CRIME TO HIDE MULLETS OR BALDNESS IN PUBLIC

PAGE 3

Vib Rator a suited gentleman at a table drinks alone

Caption: IN THE DARKEST CORNER WANTED, DESPISED ME DRINK ALONE

OLDE BEARDED ONE: WE'RE LOOKING FOR AN ACCURACY TO FALSIFY OUR TAX RETURNS

VIB RATOR: NOT INTERESTED, THE ONLY BOUNTY I WANT ON MY HEAD IS A DARK CHOCOLATE ONE

A severed limb is thrown on the table

OLDE BEARDED ONE: I'M SO SHAKESPEARE ME, MERCHANT OF VENICE THEY WANT 17.5% OF ME I TAKE THE SAME OFF THEM

A worried Vib Rator gives in

Caption: A LITTLE SHOW OF BRAVADO ALWAYS HELPS ON WEAK BLADDERS

VIB RATOR: I'VE AN ECO FRIENDLY MPV KITTED OUT AS A MOBILE OFFICE IN THE MULTISTORY, MEET ME THERE IN 10

A strange singer is about to take the microphone

BOUNCER: OI YOU, NO KARAOKE IN HERE WE DON'T HAVE A PERFORMANCE LICENSE

Olde goes to the bar and pays the barman

OLDE BEARDED ONE: SORRY ABOUT THE MESS I MADE THIS SHOULD TAKE CARE OF THE ONE ARMED GENTLEMAN, IT'S THE ADDRESS ON MY TAILOR

Outside the car has been clamped Olde tries to mesmerise the traffic warden

OLDE BEARDED ONE: THIS IS NOT THE CAR YOU MEANT CLAMP

POLICEMAN: YES IT WAS, IT WAS ILLEGALLY PARKED

OLDE BEARDED ONE: UNCLAMP IT AND WE'LL BE ON OUR WAY

POLICEMAN: NOT UNTIL YOU PAY THE RELEASE FEE, AND BY THE WAY THE CONGESTION CHARGE TREBLES AFTER MIDNIGHT

PAGE 4

Vib's vehicle is parked in a huge parking bay

Caption: A FEW HOURS BANK HOLIDAY IN TRAFFIC LATER

OLDE BEARDED ONE: YOU'RE LOST, HOW DID WE END UP HERE

VIB RATOR: WE JUST FOLLOWED THE TRACTOR IN

Three uniformed figures approach

Caption: RIGHT INTO HOSTILE TERRITORIES

INSPECTOR: YOU ARE IN AN UNAUTHORISED AREA, PLEASE STEP BEHIND THE YELLOW LINE. SUBMISSION OF TAX RETURNS MUST EITHER BE DON ON LINE OR VIA REGISTERED POST

Duke finds an escape router

DUKE BOTTOM FEEDER: QUICK IN HERE

OLDE BEARDED ONE: IF THEY CATCH YOU OUT THEY WILL JUST SEND YOU ANOTHER TAX RETURN, MORE URGENT

Olde accesses a computer

OLDE BEARDED ONE: I'VE LOCATED THE CENTRAL RECORD OFFICE YOU MUST DESTROY IT WHILST I FACE THEN AS AN EVADER

A closed door

DUKE BOTTOM FEEDER: THE CENTRAL RECORDS OFFICE DOOR IS SHUT, IT SAYS RECORDS ARE LOCATED HIGH UP AND INCIDENTS OF SWINGING ON ROPES FROM RETRACTABLE WALKWAYS HAS LED TO TOO MANY PERSONAL INJURY CLAIMS

Duke is hiding in a large room full of rubbish there is a massive ferocious beast behind him

DUKE BOTTOM FEEDER: I'M STUCK IN SOME RUBBISH SILO, CAN YOU FLUSH ME OUT?

Olde accesses a computer

OLDE BEARDED ONE: SORRY IT CAN'T BE FLUSHED TILL 45% OF IT'S CONTENTS HAS BEEN RECYCLED, OH AND THERE'S A LIFE FORM PRESERVATION ORDER ON SOMETHING IT SO DON'T DO ANY THING STUPID

Olde walks into a door that has not been raised high enough

Caption: OLDE LEAVES IN A HURRY

Sfx: KERBANG

OLDE BEARDED ONE: DAMN I BET THAT GETS ONTO THE INTERNAL CHRISTMAS BLOOPER TAPES

PAGE 5

A professor lectures Vib and Duke

PROFESSOR: AFTER CONSULTING THE PLANS FROM THE LOCAL COUNCIL OFFICES I CONCLUDE THERE IS NO ENTRANCE IN FOR NEFARIOUS MEANS THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE A MAJOR SHORTFALL ON THE RISK ASSESSMENT MANIFOLD

VIB RATOR: IS THAT PROPER ENGLISH

DUKE BOTTOM FEEDER: NO HE HAS TO SPEAK ESPERANTO IF ANY OF HIS AUDIENCE HAS EVER SET FOOT ON MAINLAND EUROPE

Two space craft head towards the plane to the tax inspectors

Caption: WHATEVER SENSE THIS STORY HAD IS BEING ERODED BY CHEAP CIDER AND THE FIRST NIGHT OF BIG BROTHER 6, TO WHIT 2 SPACE CRAFT HEAD TOWARDS THE 'PLANET' OF THE TAX INSPECTORS

DUKE BOTTOM FEEDER: THEY'VE FOUND A LOOP HOLE, YOUR ALLOWED TO PERSONALLY DELIVER UNDERPAID TAX IN PRECIOUS METALS TO THE HEAD OFFICE

VIB RATOR: IT'LL BE JUST LIKE WHOOPING A RAT OUT OF A DRAIN PIPE

Duke seeks to use his computer in the craft for targeting weapons

Sfx: ALARM YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO USE A COMPUTER FOR A TASK THAT HAS BEEN DEEMED MANUAL IN PRESERVATION OF SKILLED LABOUR RESOURCES, YOU MUST DO THE TASK MANUALLY, TRAINING IS AVAILABLE

DUKE BOTTOM FEEDER: COMPUTER'S FORCING ME TO SO IT MANUALLY

Suddenly there are two planets which are not in fact planets

DUKE BOTTOM FEEDER: THAT'S NOT A PLANET THAT'S A SPACE STATION, CORRECTION IT'S TWO PLANETS, I MEAN SPACE STATIONS

VIB RATOR: WELL THERE'S ONLY TWO CERTAINTIES IN LIFE DEATH AND TAX STARS

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