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| all's right with the crew | 04 Hotel Inspectors | 2/5 | on 60103 | at punding.com |

Title: 04 Hotel Inspectors

Series: All's right with the crew

Writer: P E Leody

SYNOPIS: THE HOSTILE OUTBREAKS, TAKEOVERS, EXECUTIONS AND LEISURE INSPECTORS COME TO AUDIT THE CREW. GOING BY THE BOOK NOTHING GETS DONE.

PAGE 1


1 
TwoEyedJack, GentleSven and Doc whirling round very fast on a roundabout in a kids playground

GINGERKAHN: THAT'S IT DOC YOU'VE BEEN ELIMINATED FOR RETCHING, PLEASE LEAVE THE PLAYGROUND


2 
TwoEyedJack and GentleSven side by side, moving frantically on children's swings

GINGERKAHN: FINAL 2 CONTESTANTS, FIRST ONE TO LOOP THE LOOP ON THE SWING WINS. TWOEYEDJACK, GENTLESVEN, ON MY MARK, GO


3 
A wide shot of the park, the Crew can be seen messing on the children's rides. A helicopter approaches them. Doc holding down his vomit spots it

DOC: GINGERKAHN, WE'VE GOT COMPANY


4 
The helicopter lands and a blockhead operative hands GingerKahn a small padded envelope, i.e. a Jiffy bag

CLAMIDIA: STOP GETTING ABOVE YOUR STATION WE WORK THE COUNCIL, NOTHING AS GRAND AS THE COMPANY


5 
In the opened Jiffy bad GingerKahn finds a packet of mints with the hole, i.e. Polo's

GINGERKAHN: WRAP IT UP CREW, THIS IS SERIOUS, BACK TO WORK, EVERYTHING BY THE BOOK, WE NEED FRESH BREATH


6 
In BandanaCustard's office GingerKahn stands smartly by two council inspectors seated very primly with their brief cases

BANDANACUSTARD: THESE ARE THE HOSTILE OUTBREAKS, TAKEOVERS, EXECUTIONS AND LEISURE INSPECTORS COME TO AUDIT OUR PROCESSES


7 
GingerKahn leaves the office waving at it's occupants

GINGERKAHN: THEN A I'LL SEE YA LATER, AFTER THE OFFICIAL TEA BREAK

PAGE 2


1 
The Crew sit quite neatly dressed in the Crew room on the sofas. No one plays pool or watches the TV. The are attentive. The HOTEL inspectors look on. The phone rings

Sfx: KERRING, KERRING


2 
GingerKahn annotates the phone call, he holds a clipboard

GINGERKAHN: YES SIR I APPRECIATE THE URGENCY OF THE EMERGENCY, BUT FIRST I NEED FULL NAME, COUNCIL IDENTITY, GPS CALL LOCATION, OFFICE CALL SANCTIONING AND THE PROJECTED EARNED VALUE OF THIS MISSION. THEN...


3 
Doc's feet walking towards the Crew locker room

GINGERKAHN: I WOULD REMIND EVERYONE TO WALK TO THE LOCKER ROOM, RUNNING CAUSES THOUGHT PROCESS TO BECOME AGITATED AND THE FLOOR HAS JUST BEEN WASHED.


4 
In the Crew locker room GentleSven applies hand cream and TwoEyedJack pulls on a hairnet

GINGERKAHN: THE SHOUT SITUATION IS DESCRIBED AS CLASS M, SO LETS PREVENT HANDS CHAFFING BY MOISTURISING, AND EVERYONE WITH LONG HAIR USE A HAIR NET


5 
The Transporter flies at a steady 500 mph in it's space traffic lane. Other vehicles honk at it and overtake it.

GINGERKAHN: NO SIRENS AS THE BUDGET TO YEAR END CANNOT COVER ADDITIONAL DAMAGE CLAIMS


6 
The Transporter approaches the destination planet

TWOEYEDJACK: ORBIT ACHIEVED

GINGERKAHN: CLAMIDIA, LIAISE WITH BASE AND LOCAL AUTHORITIES TO GAIN THE RELEVANT LANDING PERMIT AND SHORT STAY VISAS


7 
The planet left to it's own devices blows up

CLAMIDIA: SIR, INCIDENT HAS RECTIFIED ITSELF

GINGERKAHN: WELL DONE CREW, STAND DOWN

PAGE 3


1 
In the Transporter cockpit TwoEyedJack pilots the ship in his hairnet, the radio crackles into life

BANDANACUSTARD: CREW, NEW REPORT INCIDENT ON A COUNCIL HOME WORLD, PROCEED IMMEDIATELY


2 
GingerKahn shakes his head

GINGERKAHN: SORRY SIR REGULATIONS STATE AFTER ANY INCIDENT TRANSPORTER MUST RETURN BACK TO BASE FOR A POST OPERATION DEBRIEF AND CHECK FOR ASTEROID INFLICTED STONE CHIPS


3 
An Inspector hands GingerKahn a piece of paper

INSPECTOR: THIS DIRECTIVE OVERRIDES THAT ORDER

GINGERKAHN: SORRY THIS ONLY APPLIES TO AN INCIDENT LEVEL OF P OR GREATER, THE INCIDENT HAS NOT BEEN RISK ASSESSED AND CAN ONLY BE DONE SO BY ME, AT AN APPROVED STATION, I.E. BASE


4 
The Inspector hands GingerKahn a second piece of paper

INSPECTOR: THIS OVERRIDES IF THE INCIDENT INVOLVES COUNCIL PROPERTY

GINGERKAHN: A COUNCIL AN EMPLOYEE HAS AN OVER LIBRARY BOOK, THUS THE COUNCIL IS IN BREECH OF IT'S FAIR GUIDANCE POLICY


5 
The Inspector hands GingerKahn a third piece of paper

INSPECTOR: THIS IS A AN EXPOSITION OF THE SUMMARY JUDGEMENT OF THE COUNCIL VS...

GINGERKAHN: ITS OK THREE BITS OF PAPER FROM THE COUNCIL IS ENOUGH TO GET THIS DONE


6 
The Transporter does a handbrake turn heading off for the next incident

GINGERKAHN: PEDAL TO THE METAL TWOEYEDJACK, THIS TIME IT'S PERSONAL


7 
A radar screen shows many hostile forces

DOC: SIR, THE PLANET IS SWARMING WITH HOSTILES, IT'S OVER THE THRESHOLD

GINGERKAHN: SO THIS IS NOW AN OFFICIAL PUBLIC DISTURBANCE

PAGE 4


1 
The inspector hands GingerKahn 3 bits of paper

INSPECTOR: AHEM

GINGERKAHN: OK TWOEYEDJACK CLEARED FOR LANDING


2 
The Transporter lands, upright

GINGERKAHN: CREW CHECK BY THE NUMBERS

GENTLESVEN: ALL RIGHT

CLAMIDIA: ALL RIGHT

TWOEYEDJACK: ALL RIGHT

DOC: THINK SO


3 
The Inspectors face GingerKahn

GINGERKAHN: BAD NEWS, ARMED PARTICIPANTS WITH GRADE 4 WEAPONS AND PROJECTILES

INSPECTOR: I'M SURE I HAVE THE RELEVANT PAPERWORK


4 
GingerKahn points at the inspectors

GINGERKAHN: THIS PLACES THE INCIDENT UNDER THE EMERGENCY GUIDELINE, WHICH I BELIEVE YOU ARE NOT QUALIFIED TO OVERRIDE


5 
GingerKahn holds a stack of paper higher than his head

GINGERKAHN: OK THIS WILL ALLOW US TO LAUNCH A PROBE


6 
Clamidia's machine steps out of the Transporter hold

GINGERKAHN: CLAMIDIA YOU'RE UP

CLAMIDIA: SIR, YES, SIR


7 
The planet is erupting in chaos and disorder

INSPECTOR: PLEASE HURRY MANY OF US COUNCIL WORKERS RESIDE HERE, THESE ARE OUR HOMES AND FAMILIES WE'RE DEALING WITH

GINGERKAHN: ITS ALWAYS SOMEONE'S HOME

PAGE 5


1 
An Inspector shouts and points at the Crew

INSPECTOR: I'M INVOKING THE CORN LAW DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO WRAP THIS MISSION, I REPEAT WHATEVER IT TAKES, AUTHORISATION CODE A1


2 
Doc clicks off a small tape recorder off

DOC: OK SIR GOT IT TAPED

GINGERKAHN: RIGHT RETURN TO CREW OPERATING PROCEDURE


3 
All the war machines spill out of the Transporter

GINGERKAHN: GET YOUR FAT ARSES OUT IN THE PLAYING FIELD AND MAKE SOME CONVERSIONS


4 
Bullets, flame throwers and bouncing grenades being dispensed by the war machines

GINGERKAHN: LIMITATIONS ON DEPLOYMENT AND TYPES OF OFFENSIVES HAVE BEEN REMOVED


5 
The machines are victorious, GentleSven' machine stands on a huge pile of rubble, GingerKahn leans against him flaying his arms, Clamidia 's machine does a handstand whilst Doc and TwoEyedJack make victorious hand signals at each other

ALL: WE'S ALL RIGHT

ALL: WE'S THE CREW


6 
BandanaCustard on the communications screen

BANDANACUSTARD: HOW DID YOU SOLUTIONED A MAJOR INCIDENT IN RECORD TIME UNDER THE NOSES OF INSPECTORS?

GINGERKAHN: THEY GAVE US CART BLANCHE TO REMOVE ANY OBSTACLES IN OUR WAY


7 
The inspectors floating dead, lifeless in space

GINGERKAHN: MIND YOU IN ALL FAIRNESS THEY GOT A GOOD VIEW OF THE PROCEEDINGS THOUGH

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